A New Path!

I am one week away from a new experience that I hope will be the start of a new outlook on life.  The old cliché of wanting more from life has hit me full force and instead of pushing those thoughts to the back of my already overloaded brain as I usually do, I have decided to take a different path.

I haven’t sold everything, quit my job and bought a ticket to Bali (that would be a bit drastic and I don’t think my husband would support it.)  Instead I have taken a baby step and have signed up for a “Weekend of Awakening Yoga Retreat” in the Canadian Rocky Mountains.

This might not sound like a big deal for most people but for an introverted, anxiety riddled, borderline crazy person with ADHD, this is a huge deal.  I thought hard about this retreat for a full week before I signed up and knew that once I had paid for it, it would be harder to back out because I may have anxiety, but I’m also frugal and not ashamed to say it.

There are a few things that scare me about this retreat:

  • A weekend with strangers!

  • What if everyone knows each other except me!

  • I have to share a room with a stranger!

  • I know very little about yoga!

  • There will be strangers there!

  • And so on and so forth!

You would think that at my age I wouldn’t have all these highschool phobias but I fully admit that I do (and that’s another scary part…what if I’m the oldest person there?).

At work I can draw on my knowledge, experience and common sense to guide me through any situation and I can fake self- confidence very well but in unknown situations I am a mess. Truthfully, I would rather stay home on the couch with my husband eating chocolate and watching movies but unfortunately, that doesn’t change my thirst for self- improvement or my quest to find more meaning and balance in my life.

So… I’ve decided to get off the couch and step off the hamster wheel for a few days. I need to take a new path towards self-discovery and my hope is that I learn some new tools to help me live a more meaningful life.

I also hope that through the principles of yoga I find a way to silence my brain for at least a moment.

Wish me luck!




I’ve always been a little bit mad

I’ve always been a little bit mad.

Not “In a bad mood” kind of mad, more of an eccentric mad. Sort of a “Don’t mind her she’s just going a little mad” kind of mad. My husband has always joked that I’ll probably end up being one of those little old ladies wearing her bra on over her clothes. He has promised me that he won’t let me leave the house like that which is nice. I’m also hoping he won’t let me leave the house without shaving my chin of those five fricken hairs that I consistently pluck out even though it hurts like a bitch. I’ve seen those lovely little ladies with the chin hairs that are as long as my finger and it makes me kind of sad.

Last year, I was minding my own business thinking life is great, I was healthy, loving life and then bam…….anxiety hit me like a ton of bricks. What the hell was happening? My mind raced even more than it usually does in my ADHD brain. Anxiety, confusion, insomnia, memory loss, brain fog and my thoughts turned to dementia. “Aren’t I too young for dementia, what about Alzheimer’s, aren’t I too young for that?” Apparently not said the internet. Damn you Google!!!

Having had a hysterectomy and one ovary removed 9 years ago, I had been relying on my one little remaining ovary to keep me from early menopause. I hadn’t had my period since the surgery so had no visual warning that I could be going into menopause or peri-menopause (because apparently menopause just isn’t long enough on its own!)

The physical aspects of menopause I can live with. I will keep plucking those pesky little shithead hairs from my chin every few days even though I swear they are made from steel wool. I will keep dyeing my roots every 4 weeks and will try to not look too closely at the lines forming on my face and the random little brown spots on my hands that I will still call freckles. I will use reading glasses when I need to and not hide the fact that I’m blind as a bat without them in restaurants etc.

The mental aspects of menopause are a little harder to handle. There are many times that I struggle to string a sentence together. I can’t remember simple words or forget what I’m talking about mid-sentence. I lock my car door at least 3 times before I’m convinced it’s locked (okay to be fair I may have always done that). Don’t get me started on the damn mind fog which I can only describe as the feeling you would get if you hadn’t slept for days……or you suffer from insomnia (another lovely symptom that plagues me.)

The mental side of menopause is a lot harder to hide so I laugh along with my family who already think I’m a little eccentric and take comfort in the fact that they love me enough to let me know when I wear my clothes inside out or that I only have an earring in one ear or………

I guess all I’m saying is that nobody told me that peri-menopause or menopause or whatever stage I’m in will make me feel like I’m going insane and that pisses me off!